Trusting Love.
Trusting Love.
My daughter is my family, she is my world.
In this teething stage, while she rages with neediness, my understanding as an individual has been sharpened. People literally need other people to survive.
I had somewhat of a vision while in my bathroom, today. I had envisioned myself having more kids but going about it the correct way — as in truth & loyalty.
People age rapidly and before you know it, the woman you want to have kids with can no longer be able to do so. . .
The thought about rushing to have more children crossed my mind but I know I would be cheating myself. Believe it or not I know exactly who to give my attention to if I wanted to get married, be taken care of, never work another day in my life, and have beautiful children with . . .
But I’ve never been in-love before and before I die, I want that for myself. Also, I want my daughter to see that I never gave up on love, even when things didn’t go as I planned. Real never stops being real, no matter what. It’s necessary, no matter the future, my daughter knows I never gave up! In some cases, I believe true-love finds you ‘only’ in death, naturally. So if I don’t fall in this life, I’m sure in the next it will happen.
I’m not actively searching for a relationship but as a woman, these things cross your mind — however, I’m also not opposed if this love I desired knocked on my front door.
I don’t want to die alone, ya know?
I’m not ashamed to say that! Some people are so proud to be so independent and live a care-free life, not even understanding what it means to die. Personally, I’ve lived and died a few times in this life and let me tell you, being alone in a hospital with little hope and no one by your side isn’t the way to go!
I’ll say it again, I do ‘not’ want to live AND die alone.
On the other extreme, I’ve always had a great fear that the man I fall in love with will die ‘before’ me. I’m the type to never marry again after that. I’m the type to never want a relationship after that. I’ve dated one or two people and they’ve died shortly after that, which left me in a very bad state. I can’t even imagine someone I commit the rest of my existence and experiences to, dying before me.
Just thinking about this, horrifies me.
I wish everyone dated as if they had 10 children, whether they did or not. This mindset would make the world a better place.
If women had 10 kids and dated ONLY men they knew were good to ALL 10 kids (all from different fathers), a lot of women would be leased stressed out AND even happier being BY THEMSELVES instead of in relationships!
If men had 10 kids all by different women and ONLY dated women they KNOW would love & cherish ‘ALL’ 10 kids, a lot of men would understand joy and be less stressed!
I wonder why I’ve dated men and never thought about if they would be great fathers — my mind only stopped at being decent husbands. I apologize to my brain for such jadedness.
I always tell myself I’m so happy to be a mother before a wife. No, this wasn’t the plan, I actually never planned on being a biological mother, but GOD’S PLAN IS BEST! With that said, something I never knew I wanted turned out to really help my character. Had I married first, I wouldn’t have leveled up as a WOMAN. I would’ve married someone as a weak-minded person, lacking basic sense. Lacking the lioness instincts that I believe not all women have — SO I AM ‘LUCKY!’
Being a mom is a life commitment, not just on paper… being a wife is equally as important but there’s a higher responsibility to someone you give birth to opposed to someone you didn’t (maybe I’m just alone in this perspective)?
At the end of the day, my loyalty is to love. If love finds me worthy to be a wife and mother of another child (or more) than I am just going to appreciate the blessing. If love finds me worthy but I die before the blessing, I’m still grateful for the baby I’ve given birth to. I’m still grateful that men of all shapes and sizes find me to be perfect.
I don’t think you’ll ever be “ready” to be a parent. I don’t think you can ever prepare enough to attend a funeral. I’m not sure on the marriage part (probably bc of fear of losing someone I love), but I don’t think I’ll ever be “sure”, to get married either!
However, when the time comes, you’ll get through it, ya know?
Life is short. Some wisdom I got from an old head (a very respected Hispanic woman from my church, who at the time just became a widow), she said “ (*my name*), MAKE SURE YOU GET MARRIED ‘AND’ HAVE CHILDREN!!!!”
-Sis. Smith
That was her biggest regret. She got married to the love of her life, but she never had children.
Me, on the other hand, I have a beautiful daughter but I’m terrified of the power of marriage. In my head I want to get married but I’m going to therapy I’ve realized I only chose men I know I would never walk down the aisle with! I don’t want to be a widow, but I don’t want that fear to steer me out of a blessing! I want the blessing, not the fear.
I think it’s better to know what that feels like, than to wonder “what if?”